Stetho-Scopes

September 20, 2000

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This could be a very important 2 weeks for you. Put yourself first. Even if you only read the article to help out with punctuation, insist on being first author. You should even think about being last author too, but first author is most important. Advance your career. The best way to do that is to author papers; publish or perish. You make the choice.

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
You have a secret. I also have a secret, but I am not going to tell you about it. Nope. It's all mine. But hey, tell me your secret. Come on, tell me your secret. Please. Pretty please! You're not gonna tell, huh. Well, I hope you're happy. I hope it builds up inside you until you explode with gastroenteritis. That'll teach you not to tell me your secrets.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Manipulation can only get you so far, unless of course you are a physical therapist. This month try to let people do their own thing and you do yours. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised. Your friends will spend more time with you and Mr. Jones in 532 will stop prank calling the nursing station.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
So, you've just been bitten by a large snake. First, do not panic. Call 911 and get yourself to the ER as quickly as possible. Then scream until the doctor gets you the antidote or antiserum. You'll find that screaming in an ER tends to get you a lot of attention and even some other benefits like something we call Vitamin H.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. One of my favorite things to do is switch the CEO's parking sign with the employee of the month's parking sign. That will teach that brown-nosing slick-willy employee from stealing your ideas again.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
The waning Moon passes Virgo on the 25th and 26th so the last week of September will also be your best. Just remember to work with others and assist them however you can. Hold that retractor especially well this month, you don't want that spleen to get in the way again, like you accidentally did last month. I don't think the hospital can bill for that extra splenectomy, and we know that is all that matters.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The new moon should pay you a visit on the 27th. While October looks like it will have its peaks and valleys, there's probably no need to stress. Just have them check your peak and trough with every dose…and even consider once daily dosing for your gentamicin. Remember also, there's no letter "Y" in gentamicin. "Y?" Because we love you!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Just like Libra and Virgo, the last week of September should be your best ever. The moon will be in your house on the 29th and 30th, so don't freak out. I suggest you work on you Halloween costume now, because you won't have time at the end of the month. You will be invited to a great costume party though, so make sure your mask fits. You don't want your zits showing through it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
So you missed the free concert in Central Park. I don't mean the Sting concert, I mean the Garth Brooks concert a few years back. So what. Get over it. There will be more Garth concerts in the future. Plus you have better things to do than worship a famous country singer - I know you do. I just don't have any specific examples to share with you at the moment.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
The new moon on the 27th takes away from you whatever strength you had left. Don't worry. Worrying will not help you. Just think of the future when the world will be brighter, the air will be cleaner (at least if "W" is not elected), and the streets will be safer (perhaps "W" will be better at this). But more importantly, don't give up. Never give up. At least not until the new moon on the 27th.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. This month be careful though. Eating under-cooked omelets can get you in trouble. I know you like salmon, but salmonella is a whole different story. This month go with scrambled, or better yet, skip eggs all together and go with the grits. Or you can kiss your own grits goodbye. Try scrambled salmon. Take out the bones first or it'll be gritty.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You're the fish sign, but you don't know how to swim. Don't you find that a bit concerning? You should take a swimming class - learn how to snorkel or scuba dive. Taking a diving safety class, if there is such a thing. I think all this might come in handy. You might end up saving a life, and it may even be your own. Oh, and don't forget to bring along your swim suit. And your size 17 feet.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!