Scientists Discover New Bacteria

November 1, 2000

BOSTON, MA—Scientists in Cambridge, Massachusetts announced Monday the discovery of a new bacteria, which they have tentatively given the name Mikedukakis.

Dr. Marc Walfish, Chief of Infection Diseases at Massachusetts State Hospital, reported that he had discovered the bacteria wedged between the vinyl seats of a dilapidated World War II era tank. The bacteria was "small, round, and very positive," and was found repeating "catchy slogans about the greatness of our country, its immigrants, and Massachusetts."

Mikedukakis

"Usually it takes lots of time to classify new bacterial species," said Walfish at Monday's press conference, "but it was obvious right from the start that Mikedukakis belongs with Staphylococcus and Streptococcus, along with all the other gram-positive cocci."

"When something is that positive and that small, and that round, with eyebrows that large and bushy, there's really only one group to put it in. That's the gram-positive cocci group."

Dr. Walfish stated that "if it was southern, Republican, and promised large tax cuts, it would belong in a different group altogether."

The timing of the discovery was "very interesting," according to Walfish.

"Actually, Mikedukakis was first spotted in 1988 when it ran against then-Vice-President George Bush, father of [current Republican nominee] George W. Bush," said Walfish outside his Brookline apartment.

"But after its embarrasing Election Day loss that year, Mikedukakis disappeared, and taxonomic classification could not be completed."

The rediscovery of Mikedukakis, much like that of the coelocanth, a fish thought to be long-extinct prior to its own rediscovery in 1972, has been met with enthusiasm - particularly among Republicans, who hope it will help "Dub-yah" win this November.

Democrats have also expressed excitement, sensing that the positive attitude of Mikedukakis "can only encourage people to go out, vote, vote often, and vote Democrat."

The coelocanth was unavailable for comment.

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