Location Of Osama Bin Laden Determined

October 10, 2001

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The location of suspected terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden has been determined, said a spokesperson at the White House this morning.

Mullah Omar, the Taliban Supreme Leader, is now believed to have harbored Bin Laden in his rectal cavity since September 12, one day after the devastating hijackings and attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon.

Suspected location of
Osama Bin Laden

It is believed that Omar's rectum is also serving as the control base for Bin Laden's suspected terrorist activities.

Prior to that, phone records suggest that the Saudi millionaire had been in the anal vaults of at least three other high-ranking Taliban officials during the past two years.

"If it's true, and we've got good reason to believe it is," said Secretary of State Colin Powell, "then it's clear what must be done next."

"We've gotta get these Taliban officials and stick endoscopes up their asses till we find Bin Laden, and any other terrorists that may be hiding in there. We will excise them one by one like villainous polyps, and then we will cauterize the surrounding areas with wide margins in order to prevent regrowth of these cancerous lesions."

Powell stressed that Taliban authorities would not be given sedation of any kind prior to the procedure. "And it's rigid sigmoidoscopy all the way," he asserted.

Gastroenterologists in the U.S. Armed Forces are being deployed to Uzbekistan in anticipation of a surprise back-door assault on the Afghanistan ruling party in the coming weeks.

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