Pons To Leave Brainstem

August 1, 2001

NEW YORK, NY--Citing cramped living conditions and a general lack of job satisfaction, the pons today announced a formal break from the rest of the nervous system.

After marathon negotiations with the pineal gland and cerebellum failed to yield a compromise, the small whitish nubbin announced that it would move to a more exciting area of the body within 90 days. The statement was delivered by attorney Myron Axelblatt.

The pons (for now)

"My client has grown tired of performing repetitive tasks which largely go unnoticed and unrewarded," said Axelblatt.

"Blinking, facial twitching, grimacing…none of these are consistent with the pons' long-term goals or desire for personal growth. Had there been some opportunity to learn a song occasionally, or help say a few words, or even just count backwards from 100 by sevens, today's situation might be far different."

In addition, Axelblatt confirmed that the pons is seeking payment of unspecified damages by the rest of the brain.

Early reports indicate that several new anatomical locations are under active consideration. Foremost among these is the genital area, where the pons hopes to "get some action;" however, it is considered probable that the presence of a glob of neuronal tissue in the genital area may actually diminish sexual activity.

Another possible destination is the area just above the left hip, though this exposed location might prove problematic for the squishy organ, particularly among individuals who commonly play ice hockey, or attend all-night raves.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!