ABC Nightly News Replaces Peter Jennings With Zyvox, Viagra

August 1, 2001

NEW YORK, NY--Disney Corporation, the parent company of ABC and ABC News, announced Friday that Peter Jennings has been fired as anchorperson of the ABC Nightly News. Sources close to the company say that mediocre ratings and falling revenues led to his dismissal.

Peter Jennings,
Former ABC Nightly
News Anchorperson

Starting September 19th, the program's current format of fifteen minutes of national and world news plus fifteen minutes of ads for prescription medications will be replaced by a full half-hour of the colorful and entertaining drug ads, mostly for expensive, brand-name medicines like Zyvox, Viagra, and Celebrex.

"A marketing survey last fall revealed that most viewers of the program are over the age of 50, and that the advertisements are the primary source of medical information for this group," said Disney spokesperson Arlene McKenzie.

In its official press release, ABC explained the decision by emphasizing that "while [we] do understand that national and world news have a small place in our society, we feel that bringing our loyal viewers thirty minutes of uninterrupted drug company ads will allow us to remain competitive, while maintaining the ability of pharmaceutical corporations to continue manipulating the unsuspecting elderly of our great country."

"And if it influences how our fine physicians prescribe for their patients, then we've done our job right!"

Peter Jennings was vacationing in Canada and could not be reached for comment.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!