Giant Hairy Nevus Eats New York

June 27, 2001

WASHINGTON, DC --Bush Administration officials called a press conference this evening to confirm that the military has been mobilized in an attempt to control a mutant giant hairy nevus, which attacked New York City on Tuesday.

The nevus has already eaten several small buildings, part of LaGuardia airport, and a warehouse in Queens. Telephone contact with the office of Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has been lost.

Giant hairy nevus devours
New York City

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that thousands of troops will be dispatched to fire at the lesion with their tiny, ineffectual weapons. The nevus will then tread on these soldiers, crushing them to a pulp. A squadron of biplanes will also be dispatched, only to be plucked from the sky by the enraged skin growth, which will crumple them like so much crêpe paper.

The nevus was apparently removed from the back of a four year-old girl last week, but morphed into an out-of-control mutant people-and-building-eating monster after its accidental contamination with radioactive thallium.

Dr. Kenneth Wu, a spokesperson for the American College of Dermatology (ACD), told reporters this evening that "it is important for all Americans to remember to wear a sun hat, use sun block, and avoid excessive exposure to the sun" in order to prevent the emergence of other giant carnivorous skin lesions.

The ACD has dispatched the Special Weapons Subcommittee of its Task Force on Pre-Malignant Skin Lesions to the New York area, and may attempt to obliterate the nevus with laser surgical techniques. Critics, however, say that such a strategy could take up to 15 visits, may leave a scar, and is not likely to be covered by major health plans.

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