Stetho-Scopes

May 2, 2001

Q Fever! isn't afraid to ask: "Do you believe in magick?"

Studies have shown conclusively that an unquestioning, mindless belief in the occult is an important part of the health and healing process.

And, much as licensed homeopaths do, we submit that the supernatural is in fact realer than what actually makes sense, or has been shown to be true.

Here's proof: Stetho-Scopes.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
T.S. Eliot would tell us: Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky like a patient etherised upon a table; Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, the muttering retreats of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels and sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: Streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent to lead you to an overwhelming question... and what do you think that question is?

Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
A new day visits your life at the perfect moment. Your circle of great friends is excellent company with whom to share this high honor. I would get a photo of everyone framed and place it above your desk with all of your diplomas. That way your patients will be fooled into thinking you're popular- a sure way to improve compliance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Strong scented people sweep you into their wake as they pass. Go along with them and do not ask questions. You're there for the experience even if they have no meaning in their lives. Listen, don't believe that stuff you read at other astrology sites - it's pure crap. You're the only you you've got. Stick up for yourself and let the others be damned!

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Does your unconscious mind drop useful hints into the unlit world? Well if so, you are like most Cancers in that your skull is too small to hold all of its thoughts inside it. You must share the overflow with the world, or write it in a diary. Just don't misplace or forget the combination of the titanium lock.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Communicable diseases are in your future, one way or another. No, seriously, you will obtain a position as director of a large STD clinic in Canada and from there you will discover many cures for common diseases including HIV. You will donate all of the proceeds from these discoveries to the fight against world poverty; these funds will be embezzled by criminals everywhere.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Your mind/brain is more active than usual, and it's becoming difficult to stop the incessant barrage of thoughts that are streaming through it. Perhaps that'll teach you not to take Sudafed with four cups of coffee while blasting the latest lame-ass Lenny Kravitz album as you're trying to study. Perhaps, on the other hand, not.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. Today, I would go hang out with the smokers in the designated smoking area outside - they've been feeling left out. Don't forget your OSHA standard particulate matter mask. Lung cancer's contagious!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Under the Pisces moon again, your beauty extends beyond your life and your salary. So many of us have gone before and behind and so many of us are still to come. Life's circle is always complete, and spinning optic discs cannot prevent the world from being seen as complete and whole by you, the weird-ass Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
As the pink moon enters Pisces next week, I saw it written and I saw it say, Pink moon is on its way, And none of you stand so tall, Pink moon gonna get you all, It's a pink moon. Thank you, Nick Drake, for your pinkness, and for the moon.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If you find you've made a mistake, own up to it. Don't hide the wrong from the wronged. Don't cover the pain from the pained. Be honest, be strong, and don't be afraid. People will respect you, and you'll get farther in life than the typical lawyer-calling lowlife that seems to dominate our society. Yeah, right.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. Stepping on a stepping-stone, you are alone in the darkness near your home. Skipping rocks as you walk along the rivers path, you discover that the light that can blind is the only path to true sight. Open your eyes. Look directly into the sun.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
It is that time of the year again. Time for me to remind you to get you mammogram or prostate exam. It also might be a good idea to visit the dental hygienist. They can do a lot for your smile, and one of the few things a Pisces does well is smile.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!