Ukranian Government To Offer Radioactive Bus Tours

August 23, 2000

KIEV, UKRAINE—In a move that stands to benefit both nations, the governments of Ukraine and Canada announced that 315 patients awaiting radiation therapy in Canada will be sent on a special "bus tour" in the Ukraine instead. The move allows the Canadians to bypass long waiting lists that have beset the increasingly inefficient Canadian healthcare system, and will also provide the Ukraine with a much needed source of foreign currency.

The UkeTours-2000 Bus

According to UkeTours-2000 spokesman Leonid Grymenko, a simple bus ride through the Ukrainian countryside can provide as much targeted radiation as several standard radiation therapy treatments. "In Canada, not enough radiation to go round," said Grymenko. "Here, too much. We redistribute so everyone will be happy."

Tour participants will be driven through several towns near the infamous Chernobyl nuclear reactor, where they will consume locally grown produce and drink Ukrainian well-water. They will also have a chance to see many of the Ukraine's scenic and historic sites, and to buy unlimited quantities of wooden dolls with other wooden dolls inside them.

First stop: Scenic Chernobyl

Ray Stevens, of Waterloo, Ontario, is one of the Canadians slated to participate in the tour. "I've heard Kiev is a lot like Edmonton", said Stevens. "Cold, gray. Same culinary flair. We should feel pretty much at home." Stevens, who suffers from prostate cancer, has been unable to get radiation therapy in a timely manner in Canada. "I'm just very grateful to the [Canadian] Ministry of Health for goin' the extra mile, to send me to a place where I can get all the radioactivity I need."

According to Canadian Health Minister Allan Rock, UkeTours-2000 may be just the beginning. "Geez, things are pretty much at the breaking point, eh?" said Rock. "But we're trying to be equitable, so we can maintain the same great healthcare for everyone." That being said, Rock confirmed that the Ministry of Health was exploring such options as introducing Maalox as the treatment of choice for all Canadians with crushing chest pain, and sending individuals in need of laser eye treatment to sit "in the front couple of rows" at participating theatres showing Star Wars-type movies.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!