Witches, Trolls Hail Anti-Wart Campaign

July 12, 2000

OMAHA,NB—An organization representing the nation's witches, trolls, ogres, and gremlins today hailed a new wart-removal effort initiated by the U.S. Public Health Service.

Gremelda
Bat-Tongue

According to Gremelda Bat-Tongue of the National Goblin Congress, the prevalence of warty growths, particularly those affecting the bridge or tip of the nose, has reached epidemic proportions among evil night-lurkers.

"You're talking about a problem that affects one out of every two gremlins, and over 60% of witches, and yet the 1990's were a decade of complete inaction", she said.

Ms. Bat-Tongue admitted that the tendency of ogres and trolls to eat small children might have created an atmosphere of mistrust and fear. However, she suggested that it was time for both monsters and the federal government to put those issues behind them.

Depressed Night
Lurker

"Many of us look spooky enough, without a big wart on the end of our nose. You have lots of gremlins who are so depressed about the way they look that they don't even lurk anymore."

The initiative will employ approximately 10,000 Monster Outreach Workers (MOWs) nationwide. The MOWs will attempt locate the ghouls under bridges, in hollow trees, and in any suburbs known to contain a high proportion of gingerbread houses.

Consenting ghouls will have podophyllin or liquid nitrogen applied to all warty areas. Free medical follow up at federally funded clinics will also be offered.

The government effort has been criticized by Texas governor and U.S. presidential candidate George W. Bush as a pre-election ploy.

"It's just another example of the Clinton-Gore administration giving handouts to a group that would rather pull itself up by the straps on their pointy-toed shoes", said Bush.

According to Bush, churches and community groups have coordinated goblin and monster wart-removal efforts in Texas.

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!