Surviving Morning Report

June 28, 2000

Dr. Karl

Morning Report is traditionally one of the most anticipated events of the day, bringing interns and residents together with their chiefs and attendings in an atmosphere that promotes academic excellence and proper patient care.

But, to some, Morning Report can be nothing less than a mind-numbing torture session - a never-ending cruise liner headed straight to the bowels of Hell.

This issue, Q Fever!’s I&R correspondent, Dr. Karl Newman, reveals his secrets of: Surviving Morning Report.

I love Morning Report, and it's easy to see why! Unfortunately, not every house officer feels the same way, so here are three tips that will increase your enjoyment of this wonderful activity.

The first thing a new intern needs to realize is:

Make Eye Contact

What?!? That's right. People dislike it when they see you staring at the ceiling, especially when you're speaking at the same time. The same goes for those of you that glare at the wall, or turn to face the door as you talk.

Instead, it's polite and professional to look directly into the eyes of your chief resident at all times during Morning Report. If you're able, don't blink but once or twice. And if you notice that he/she isn't looking back at you, it's proper to get their attention by loudly whispering their name. Throw a nickel at 'em, if you have to. Whatever you do decide to do, you can be sure they'll think fondly of you long after you've left the room.

Another important skill to master is:

Dress Warmly

Huh?!? You bet. Wear a jacket. A big, puffy Michelin Man jacket, with a hood. Add a couple of layers of thermals underneath. Keep your core temp above 40.0C if at all possible. It'll help your liver process toxic substances, and your brain'll shift into super-hyper-mega-overdrive, where you really need it to be. And remember - P.O. liquids are for sissies. "A little sweat is a good thing to get."

Hot tip: Black cohosh placed under the tongue can really help kickstart those gonads!

The third, last, and hardest-to-grasp concept is:

No One Really Knows

Whazat?!? You heard me. No one really knows. Not you, not your friends, not your chief, and no, not even your attending.

It doesn't matter what the question was, or even if there even was a question.

Trust me on this.

Do you know? No. Do I know? Hell, no! So can they know? Can anyone possibly know? No! Know? NO!

Now repeat after me: No one really knows.

And everybody'll appreciate it if you point that out early, and often.

“Just tell ‘em Dr. Karl sent ya!”

Remember: Quality Without The Q Is Just Uality!