The Thinker: Dr. Mort Kandless
I'm Glad You Brought That List
It will really enhance your care

NEW YORK, NY--I'm so glad you brought that list of complaints with you to your visit today.

It's extremely important that otherwise healthy 25-year olds like yourself prepare such lists before coming in to see me, so that we can spend the limited time we have in the most productive manner possible!

Dr. Mort Kandless

Without it, for example, you might have forgotten to mention that your nose hurts sometimes when you sneeze in the morning, or that you're starting to feel tired after reading more than two hours in a row.

These are serious issues! And we'll get around to them, for sure - right after we figure out what's going on with the headaches, stomach noises, eyebrow hair loss, and skin bumps you were sharp enough to notice.

Not to mention the article you read in the paper the other day about the new type of Viagra. Or the one where they said everyone should get their doctor to order them a full body CAT scan or MRI. Who knows what we might find, right?!

Never mind the fact that you smoke like the tailpipe of a diesel 18-wheeler, and have no plans to stop, or even to cut back. You're entitled to the same share of healthcare resources as everyone else!

I also appreciate your having taken the time beforehand to determine exactly which lab tests you want done. A PSA, mercury level, and hair analysis are very important for people in your age group.

We'll get them all, plus any other ones you see on my lab order sheet you think you might need! Hell, it isn't your money paying for it, so what difference does it make, right?

And of course I'll call you personally as soon as I get the results. You're clearly more special than any of the hundreds of other people who get labs done in my office, and deserve to be treated as such!

My direct office phone number? You bet! Take my home number too, while you're at it. And don't worry about appointments. Just come on in whenever! We'll make everyone else wait while we go over your latest list of urgent symptoms. I can't wait!

We're gonna make a make a great team, you and me - dedicated to making your personal healthcare experience the best it can possibly be!

I'm Dr. Mort Kandless... and that's what I think.