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StethoScopes!
Astrology For The Medically Challenged
For February 2002
Aries (March 21
- April 19)
You've just
finished listening to the latest hour of Car Talk on NPR (or was
it the Green Day concert at the X-Games?). Now what're you gonna
do? Try kicking back; crank up Blink
182 and let your colon do its thing, 'cause nothing cleans out impacted
fecal material quite like Enema of the State. Unfortunately, there
isn't much that can be done about your anal-neurotic obsession with scatological humor.
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Taurus (April
20 -May 20)
You've survived
the winter holidays and are looking forward to the ones in the spring,
especially St. Patrick's Day. Think
of the fun things you can decorate your nursing station with. One of my favorite things to do is cut 10-inch green clovers
out of construction paper and use them to tape shut the backs of patient
gowns. Added privacy for your patients means brownie points for you!
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Gemini (May
21 - June 21)
Wash your hands.
The both of you. When it
comes to infection risk factors, poor and/or inadequate hand washing is
the number one culprit. Number two?
Fungus between the toes and underneath the toenails. Especially yours!
Especially yours. And you're gonna need more than soap for those
nasties, let me tell you!
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Cancer (June
22 - July 22)
There are usually
2 types of refrigerators in hospitals: one for food and one for medications.
Be careful to put your food in the food-fridge and only inject
patients with stuff from the medication one.
Trust me, OK? I mean... Look, it was just a mistake, an honest
mistake! Do you gotta bring it up every time?!? Fine. FINE!!
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Leo (July
23 - Aug. 22)
Tired of
driving that beat-up Toyota and living off your measly intern salary,
while the attending physicians are all driving luxo-liners? Well, the next time that ortho-doc goes on about his BMW
733, just remind him that you're bangin' his wife while he's in the OR
taking a bullet out of the femur of the guy you shot. That'll shut him
up but good!
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Virgo (Aug
23 - Sept. 22)
With the moon
over Bourbon Street, it's probably best to stay away from restricted meds. I'm referring to your patients, not
you - you can do whatever you want. And
don't you think it's about time they added cool designs to those
narcotic patches? Fentanyl "temporary tatoos" would be fun,
and they wouldn't hurt a bit to remove!
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Libra (Sept.
23 - Oct. 23)
Libras, I know you're a little sensitive to criticism, but sit tight and
hear me out. When you're
reading through the serum chemistries and you get to the blood urea nitrogen,
please say "B.U.N." and not "bun."
Saying "bun" makes you sound like a complete freakin'
idiot.
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Triple lumens, double lumens, single lumens - what is this, the IVIV Olympics?
It's a fact though: you get more points with your resident if you
place a triple lumen catheter every time and ignore any pleadings for
a simple IV. Note, though,
that popping a Cordis into the internal jugular is the mother load
- equivalent to a quadruple sow-cow followed by a triple toe loop - for
you skating enthusiasts out there.
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Ring around
the foley, put 'em in a posey, ashes ashes we all fall down. That's just a little tune I made up to help you remember
what to do with a difficult patient.
You can only posey someone who is at risk of harming himself or
herself or others, so only use one when necessary. And if you decide to
posey yourself, make sure your foley isn't within grabbing distance.
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Stop smoking
already, willya?! February's
National Capricorn Smoking Cessation Month. Check this: cigarette smoke's been shown to kill ciliated
mucosa in the nose, pharynx, larynx, trachea, lungs, and wherever the
hell else there are ciliated mucosa. And frankly, we just don't need that
kind of killing going on right now. I mean, sheesh, whaddaya have against
ciliated mucosa, anyways?
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius,
the water sign, is my favorite. You spend your whole life searching for
the right person and when he finally shows up, you don't even notice. What's your deal, girl? Don't you see
him? Yeah, him! Smolarsky in room 362. Stop standing there and go talk
to him, you devil you! And don't forget to ask about smoking history and
review of systems.
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Pisces, I wish I had some good news for you this month, but golly, bad
news just seems to follow you around. This
time, it looks like you've been fired. I
guess the administration doesn't think the hospital really needs someone
who goes around pretending to be J.J. from Good Times, after all.
Don't worry though - you convinced 'em once, you'll convince 'em again!
Stethoscopes,
stethoscope, stethescopes, stethescope
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