WASHINTON, DC--U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld declared today that the terrorists responsible for the September 11th attacks in New York and Washington may be in possession of heavy metal group Anthrax.

"We have unconfirmed reports from within Afghanistan that Osama Bin Laden has taken Anthrax hostage, and is attempting to force them to re-release the 1984 album Fistful Of Metal in large metropolitan communities thoughout America," said Rumsfeld at the Pentagon early this morning.

Fistful Of Metal - Being re-released at a location near you?

National security experts have long debated the consequences of an Anthrax re-release, with many concluding that most urban and highly populated areas of the country are woefully unprepared to deal with such a catastrophe.

In a computer simulation performed at the NSA last year called "Dark Winter," the band's 1985 album Spreading The Disease was reissued in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Seattle on Thanksgiving Day; by Christmas Eve, say authorities, over 300 million people were projected to have developed nausea and "an overwhelming desire to shut that damn thing off," say authorities.

Nonetheless, U.S. Health Secretary Tommy Thompson has issued a statement stating that the country "has the resources to contain any unwarranted release of Anthrax music," and cautioned Americans not to "buy into the paranoia by stockpiling earplugs and noise-cancelling headphones."

Thompson does urge increased safety awareness, however. "If you feel any symptoms of Anthrax exposure - ringing in the ears, an urge to defecate - simply cover your ears with your hands and call for help," he adds. "Call for help, for the love of God... Call for help!"