StethoScopes!
Astrology For The Medically Challenged

For July 2001

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You're large and in charge.  Life outside your waistline is gradually pulled in by the kinetic force of your inner gravity.  This month it'd be best to stay away from large metal objects, 'specially those with sharp points. 
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Taurus (April 20 -May 20)
Every day you talk on the phone.  Yap, Yap, Yap! And where does it all get you?  Nowhere.  You get no work done, you've got a large kink in your neck that's unresponsive to the latest chiropractic therapy, and you never see your friends.  Hey, maybe they'd love to see you, if you'd just get off the friggin' phone!
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Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
It's that time of the year again.  Time for me to remind you to get your mammogram or prostate exam.  It might also be a good idea to visit the dental hygienist. They can do a lot for your smile... and one of the few things a Gemini does well is smile! Too bad not much can be done about the tendency of Geminis to have bad breath.
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Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Simplify your life this month. Start by using contractions and short sentences. Life's good. Live it up. Also, stuff your fridge with popsicles. Don't know for sure, but it looks like it's gonna be a hot summer. And try not to choke on the popsicle stick this time!!
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Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Passive voice, passive-aggressive, pastor at your church.  Pass the ketchup, pass the beans, passed over in the search.  Passing gas, passing time under your neighbor's birch.  Past incentive, past deadline, standing on a perch.  Passed away, pass the tray, left you in a lurch.
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Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Wait a minute.  Didn't I tell you to call your mother last month?  It was Mother's Day, and it was her birthday.  What the hell's the matter with you?  You read this column and don't take my advice, and then you crawl back here the next month looking again for answers. I already told you what to do.  Call your mother!
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Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
"Pop goes the weasel."  Hey, Pop!  Be strong this month.  I'd take 2 or 3 extra doses of androstenedione and spend a few extra hours on the weights everyday.  No point in having a big heart and being big-headed, if you don't have the body to go with it.
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Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Salutations are coming your way.  People you don't even know will say hello to you, and some might even wave.  Don't give it too much thought though - it's probably the Kick Me sign your kids attached to your back for their amusement (and ours).
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Why is it they never sell large-size latex gloves at the local "Big-n-Tall" store?  You probably don't give a rat's ass! So why should I give a damn about what you think?  Chew on that 'til next month!!
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Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Tooty fruity, Ole Rudy.  Just singin' a song.  Just like you'll be doing this month.  I ain't a gamblin' man, but if I were, I'd certainly play Lotto or hit the slots.  June's your lucky month; particularly if your name is June, Joan, Jan, Joon, Jane, or Choon.
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Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Ah... Aquarius, the water sign, is my favorite. Why is it you always run to others in search of advice? You know the answer... or at least, you know where to look it up.  This month trust yourself, and trust your instincts. You know more than you know, if you know what I mean, you know?
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Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
So, your computer broke down. This month, don't fix it yourself. Just sit back, call the Help Desk people, and wait a few weeks. They'll fix it eventually. Meanwhile, use this time to explore the hospital a bit. What I like to do in July is to wander down to the maternity ward and switch the little pink and blue hats around on the newborns; it's fun for the parents, and it teaches them an important lesson about gender identity.
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