New NCEP Cholesterol Guidelines:
"Stop Stuffin' Yer Freakin' Pieholes"
"Fer cryin' out loud," says committee

WASHINGTON, DC--Citing steadily worsening cholesterol trends, the National Cholesterol Education Program (NCEP) announced last week a new, revised set of guidelines based on new research and recent findings.

Previously, individuals with an elevated LDL cholesterol were advised to follow either a "Step 1" or "Step 2" low-fat diet, to take medications if indicated, and to increase their activity level, depending on their overall health condition and other risk factors for heart disease.

Dr. Sandra McCullough

"Forget all that bogosity," said NCEP spokesperson Dr. Sandra McCullough at a press conference Monday. "Who're we trying to kid, anyways? Name ONE person who actually did the Step 2 diet. Step 2, my ass."

"In our new easy-to-understand guidelines, all you obese people with elevated LDL's are simply gonna be told, point-blank, to stop gorging your fat faces with fryer grease, butter, potato chips, 'n' lard," said McCullough. "I mean, Jeez! Stop stuffin' yer freakin' pieholes, fer cryin' out loud!"

"Furthermore, all you lazy slobs should seriously consider switching off the tube and gettin' yer flabby butts off the couch more than once a year," she continued.

"Quit shovin' food down your gobs and listen, willya? You people are disgusting!"

According to the new guidelines, any individual with an elevated LDL plus two or more risk factors for heart disease should be urged to "take a good look at yo' fat self naked in the mirror one of these days - that oughtta learn ya."