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Big Bird Affliction Heralds
West Nile Spread
Loveable yellow creature reported ill as virus
appears on Sesame Street
BROOKLYN, NY--New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, along
with Public Health Commisioner Antonia C. Novello, appealed for calm today
as the dreaded West Nile virus claimed its first victim in this borough's
historic Sesame Street district.
According to long-time resident Luis, the first sign
of the virus' appearance was Big Bird's development of a fever and headache,
followed by his inability to recite the alphabet, a task that he had reportedly
mastered (with help from Maria and Dave) almost 20 years ago.
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Big Bird remains
in a coma
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Bird was admitted to Sesame Street Presbyterian Hospital's
neurological intensive care unit on Monday, and remains in a coma, despite
earlier assurances by virologists that the virus would not pose a major
threat on Sesame Street, as the virus generally attacks older adults.
"Most of the 75,000 people and muppets who live
in the Sesame Street area are under the age of ten," reported Kermit
D. Frog, Sesame Street News Bureau correspondent. "Either that, or
they're adults frozen in time, in some sort of child-like state of extreme
innocence."
Local residents have been quick to point fingers
at Oscar The Grouch, a cantankerous green monster who lives in a furnished
garbage can.
According to muppet Ernie Cohen, Oscar's home had
become filled with pools of stagnant water, which had provided a breeding
ground for the Culex mosquitoes which spread the virus.
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Oscar The Grouch
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"Also, people on the street have been concerned
for some time that Oscar's trash can was in violation of local zoning
laws", said Bert Jamieson, Ernie's long time partner.
"Unfortunately, several of the police officers
who patrol the street are the kind of muppets who have no eyeballs, and
that's basically given Oscar and [fellow grouch] Grungetta carte blanche
to totally neglect their trashcans."
An attorney representing Mr. Grouch did not return
phone calls. Mayor Giuliani announced at a press conference today that
any residential trash-cans found not in compliance with local zoning laws
would be overturned or emptied.
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