September 20, 2000 | Volume 1, Issue 8
 

Just like your
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Medical Humor & Satire
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© Q Fever! 2000-2005
 
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Cardioverter-Defibrillator-Universal Remote Implanted
New device eliminates tachyarrythmias, unwanted commercials

HOUSTON, TX--Cardiothoracic surgeons at the University Of Texas Medical Center have successfully implanted the world's first cardioverter-defibrillator-universal remote, announced hospital officials during a press conference held yesterday in Houston.

The device, about the size of a deck of cards and weighing less than 7 oz., was reportedly developed over a period of ten years by a team headed by clinician-researcher Dr. Richard Blazell, who also helped perform the pioneering operation last week.

The new Medtronics ICDUR

Such "implantable cardioverter-defibrillator-universal remotes (ICDURs)," in addition to monitoring the cardiac rhythm and providing electrical shocks as necessary to terminate life-threatening tachyarrhythmias, will also allow individuals to control a variety of household gadgets and applicances, including televisions, VCR's, home audio systems, and garage doors.

"Before the ICDUR, patients with a history of potentially lethal arrhythmias needed to utilize a separate remote control for each household device, which would lead to a glut of remotes lying on the living room table," said Blazell. "The worst are those times when you can't find a remote when you really need it, and then the next day you it turns up wedged between the sofa cushions. I hate that!"

"The ICDUR eliminates those problems, AND prevents sudden cardiac death. [It's] the American homeowner's dream come true."

Nevertheless, ICDUR technology remains in its infancy. The current model (Medtronics CDR5767a) requires that the wearer provide an unobstructed path from his/her left nipple to the remote appliance, as most appliances require infrared for such communication, a drawback which is expected to initially limit the device's usefulness in the majority of the known civilized world.

Medtronics officials say they are working on a workaround to the issue.

An implantable universal remote without cardioverter-defibrillator capabilities is expected to debut by mid-2005.

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Editor-In-Chief: C. Burnetti, MD | Editor-At-Large: M. Furfur, MD, PhD
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Disclaimer: This is a medical humor and parody website meant solely for entertainment purposes, and is not intended to recommend or advise regarding the prevention, diagnosis, or treatment of any medical illness or condition. Stories and articles are meant only to provide a brief, fleeting distraction from the wretchedness of reality, and are not intended to be insensitive, callous, or offensive, or to otherwise belittle the plight of those affected with any medical disease, condition, or illness. All names and descriptions of people are fictitious except for those of well-known public figures, who are the subject of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental. Medical Humor is just that: Medical Humor.