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Ukranian
Government To Offer Radioactive Bus Tours
Pact with Canada may decrease waiting times
for XRT
KIEV, UKRAINE--In a move that stands to benefit both
nations, the governments of Ukraine and Canada announced that 315 patients
awaiting radiation therapy in Canada will be sent on a special "bus
tour" in the Ukraine instead. The move allows the Canadians to bypass
long waiting lists that have beset the increasingly inefficient Canadian
healthcare system, and will also provide the Ukraine with a much needed
source of foreign currency.
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The UkeTours-2000 Bus
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According to UkeTours-2000 spokesman Leonid
Grymenko, a simple bus ride through the Ukrainian countryside can provide
as much targeted radiation as several standard radiation therapy treatments.
"In Canada, not enough radiation to go round," said Grymenko.
"Here, too much. We redistribute so everyone will be happy."
Tour participants will be driven through several
towns near the infamous Chernobyl nuclear reactor, where they will consume
locally grown produce and drink Ukrainian well-water. They will also have
a chance to see many of the Ukraine's scenic and historic sites, and to
buy unlimited quantities of wooden dolls with other wooden dolls inside
them.
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First stop:
Scenic Chernobyl
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Ray Stevens, of Waterloo, Ontario, is one of the
Canadians slated to participate in the tour. "I've heard Kiev is
a lot like Edmonton", said Stevens. "Cold, gray. Same culinary
flair. We should feel pretty much at home." Stevens, who suffers
from prostate cancer, has been unable to get radiation therapy in a timely
manner in Canada. "I'm just very grateful to the [Canadian] Ministry
of Health for goin' the extra mile, to send me to a place where I can
get all the radioactivity I need."
According to Canadian Health Minister Allan Rock,
UkeTours-2000 may be just the beginning. "Geez, things are
pretty much at the breaking point, eh?" said Rock. "But we're
trying to be equitable, so we can maintain the same great healthcare for
everyone." That being said, Rock confirmed that the Ministry of Health
was exploring such options as introducing Maalox as the treatment of choice
for all Canadians with crushing chest pain, and sending individuals in
need of laser eye treatment to sit "in the front couple of rows"
at participating theatres showing Star Wars-type movies.
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