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Kellogg's Unveils New Eternal-LIFE
Cereal
Spiritual salvation now within grasp of breakfast
lovers everwhere
 BATTLE
CREEK, MI-- In a move that many observers say heralds a new era in the
cereal industry, Kellogg's announced today that it will begin offering
Eternal-LIFE cereal to consumers as early as Fall 2000.
Kellogg's spokesperson, Shafra Hochhauser, said in
this morning's press conference that company scientists have been working
on the formula for about 32 years with Dow Chemical, another Michigan
multinational.
"We created this cereal so that all Americans
can have a chance at Eternal-LIFE," said Hochhauser, "no matter
what other cereals they may have eaten in the past."
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Kellogg's Eternal-LIFE
Commandments
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| 1. Thou shalt eat no other cereal but Eternal-LIFE |
| 2. Thou shalt not worship Count Chocula |
| 3. Thou shalt realize that Trix are not for
kids, for adults, NOR for rabbits |
| 4. Thou shalt honor thy crunchy flakes with
a touch of honey 'n' oats |
| 5. Thou shalt not spill thy milk, nor cryeth
about it shouldst it happen |
| 6. Thou shalt not looketh at the Table of Nutritional
Content |
| 7. Thou shalt flush out thy kidneys with large
amounts of fluids after eating Eternal-LIFE cereal |
| 8. Thou shalt not drinketh both milk and orange
juice in the same sitting as the combination willst curd in thy stomach |
| 9. Thou shalt disregard the fact that Eternal-LIFE
comes with no free toy |
| 10. Thou shalt purchase the economy size box
of Eternal-LIFE for substantial savings |
Hochhauser cited the growing number of cereal brands
now available to breakfast lovers as a portent of moral and spiritual
decay in our culture and civilization.
"Following the release of Eternal-LIFE, Kellogg's
plans to shelve all of its other cereals, including the popular, but secular,
Raisin Bran and Frosted Flakes brands," said Hochhauser.
"Eternal-LIFE is the way and the truth, with
a taste of honey 'n' oats... [we] want to make it clear that no other
cereal offers the combination of crunchy goodness and everlasting salvation
that Kellogg's Eternal-LIFE does."
Several critics have denied, on at least three separate
occasions, having any knowledge of Eternal-LIFE cereal, or that its existence
was even a possibility. Others, however, have praised the new cereal,
calling it "Our Whole-Grain Savior."
In a brief comment to reporters after today's press
conference, Hochhauser expressed confidence in Eternal-LIFE's chances
of success in the increasingly flashy and no-holds-barred world of morning
consumables.
"$3.16 a box, along with a pledge to forsake
all other cereals - that's not a lot to ask for in return for Eternal-LIFE,
is it?!"
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